Oh, Mary, I’m so glad you held firm and consistent. You are a wonderful mommy, and just what the girls need. You are doing exactly the right thing. They will appreciate you eventually, and the rest of us appreciate you already.
You’re doing great. She wants to see if you are really the boss. You are, right? 😉
Here’s my advice, take a long shower. Lock the door. You can’t hear much in the shower with the water running! 10 minutes of time to yourself. You can hide; you can primp a bit; you can sort your thoughts, etc… 10 minutes! ALONE!
Not that I am in any way saying your situation is like mine…..but when my step son moved in with us, he had a hard time learning how to speak to me on a regular basis in a respectful tone. He, too, had lots of commands and not much respect. But eventually, he learned. I can’t say he was perfect, but he did learn that if he wanted to have respect paid to him, he had to give it out too. My guess is that it’s hard to accept another mother figure in their lives. It was hard for my SS because when he moved in, I became the mother figure. But hardest of all, his mother was still alive and in his life.
I believe that your loving, consistent mothering will win out in the end. You can liken it to having a blended family or a foster child for the first time. There are definite adjustment periods. You’re such an amazing woman and I will continue to pray for your family like I always do!
I’m sorry. You definitely did the right thing, though. I hope your day has gotten better and her attitude has improved. What if you ask some of the older kids to specifically make a point of *clearly* asking for things in a really polite way? I’m sure they already do, but it’s probably subtle enough that ,with the langauge barrier, she’s just not fully noticing? That may sound really contrived but maybe she just needs to see it overtly modeled. :o)
I always remember the old adage that if you don’t make your kids angry with you at least a few times a day, you aren’t doing your job!
It just stinks that sometimes our jobs seem so “combatant.”
I just read a neat story about a family that adopted 4 “unplaceable” foster children into their family of four. The last daughter remembers a day at Sea World where she didn’t (and wasn’t) going to obey her new mom. The mom grabbed her new 14 year-old’s hand and wouldn’t let go, in spite of her screaming and throwing a fit. It made a big impression on her daughter. She thought, “This family is different. They don’t give up.”
Yep, I feel your pain. Thanks to a fellow adoptive mom of older children, here are are house rules all pared down into just 3 little tidbits – Respect, Responsibility and Fun to be With. We have posted it in English and Chinese, in many locations. I think you will see, it pretty much covers the gamut of any situation. Hang in there, Mary! As you know, twelve isn’t an easy age when they aren’t new family members. Just the other day, my homegrown twelve year old asked “what were you thinking having 2 twelve year olds??” Isn’t he insightful for a prepubescent boy?
Hear in lies the temptation to let things slide.
There are days I ask myself, do I really want to deal with it? Some days you bet I have enough fire to do battle. Then other days, I don’t really feel like “paying for it” all day. The temptation to just let things slide can be great. But I know if we don’t deal with it as it arises, one day it will be something much worse I am dealing with.
Praying for obedient hearts, in your home and my own.